Our discussion will explicate the necessity of communication, the obstacles or hindrances to it, the consequences of the lack communication and the fundamental conditio sine qua non for communication in religious life. The following plethora of disquisitions is a result of personal reflection based on experience and other scientific works.
Why communication
We are aware of many sisters and priests(even brothers) who consciously or unconsciously have indulged in the abuse of alcohol, drugs, sex or suffer from diseases that result from frustrations. In other extreme cases there have been noticed suicides and prompt decisions to quit one’s vocation. As much as we can argue of these facts, they always begin from minor problems which due to personal reasons one decides to repress so as to reach one’s goal. The danger is that one spends a lot of energy storing a thorn within himself or keeping on a heavy mask that at one time becomes weary or too heavy to bear thus begins ‘abnormal’ way of life.
Being aware that a religious is no longer tied to his mother’s Kanga (traditional African mothers’ cloth), he has to learn to stand by himself; his new family members are fellow religious in the community, formators included. Just like in our normal families the serene environment ought to be created in the religious community and of great importance is dialogue, sharing and communication. From the experiences of others, one grows(Cf. Mounier), from sharing the sorrows and joys, we learn to create trust in the community and at the end a good community may be judged by the level of trust and confidence besides the honest and sincere communication.
Obstacles to communication
As much as one may wish to share with others, the dispositions ought to be clarified. This good practice may be hindered by many factors which otherwise can be avoided.
Fear of unknown and known: communication will not be easy with one who fears the consequences of his openness to others or who fears being known by others. We have to underline that there is no perfect personality nor character and that each person always has weaknesses in his or her good personality; these can be discovered and appreciated when known to oneself and others.
Self closure: we may compare this to a tortoise who has built very hard cover around itself. The feeling of sort of self sufficiency, self-perfectedness, that nobody should have access to the goods in my basket, is just suicidal for any dialogue. At times to keep our baskets untouched we may raise cultural grounds and other personality traits. We can imagine a person who even while at the edge of a ditch can not be stopped from falling in it because his answer is pre-known as , ‘it is me’.
Angel-like behaviour: human beings are constitutively different from the species of angels at least according St. Thomas Aquinas, and so camouflaging to be an angel among human beings seems strange. Here we may mention of cases of those who are ever stainless and whose fingers are always pointing outside at others and everything else except themselves. It is good to admit that we are, yes, Christians but we have all what it takes to be human beings and it is worthy to seek perfection as we are in our nature.
Self-contentedness: let’s use an image of a self contained house which harbours all the necessary domestic requisites. Human being is not like a self contained house. The spirit of ‘I know everything’, ‘nobody can tell me anything’, ‘always I the best’, ‘the experienced’, is comparable to a process of building human house out of cobwebs. Christians will remind us of Jesus’ teaching, ‘be perfect as your Father in heaven is’; he did not even claim equality with the Father but always learnt to learn from Him. To be perfect is a process which continues for the whole of our life. So these illusions of being better than all human beings under earth do not promote any dialogue and sharing.
Masks (pseudo-persons): it is said that men and ladies have two main criteria for realizing their vocations(goals) and both of them are risked: there is risk of being open to oneself or masking oneself. These two realities are common in formation houses and unfortunately even in apostolate communities. Even though some are perfect in masking, a time comes when they will have to come out of their husks thus emerge completely new people that would be hardly recognised by anyone. For certainty, even staying in the mission together, such a person can not be trusted in sharing. This matter of pseudo-self goes in line with lack of self criticism. Instead, one may decide to appear the most faithful, prayerful, hardworking but all these are reducible to nothing because they have no source in the real self of the person. It is unfortunate that those who look only on the acts without the intention can be deceived by these empty commitments.
Listening attitude: a psychologist, Fr. Lagan of SMA, used to say that listening in itself is therapeutic. This is a very fundamental fact in the community. Many who fall in deep crisis among other requirements, need a listening heart and ear which they rarely receive. Listening forms part of fundamental steps in psychological counselling. However, we need to say that this listening attitude ought to be reciprocal, that is, the one being listened to should as well be ready to listen to him self and to another. Hume explains this in other words: that which is shared is half solved. What of that not shared?
Since our aim is to explain how religious immaturity may emanate from mis-formation, we now turn to discuss the consequences of the lack of communication.
Consequences of lack of communication
When one does not practice communication, sharing or dialogue, the gradual and eventual consequences may be adverse both for oneself and the community (or congregation).
Since there is no sharing, one lives in a community like an island or a statue, suffers from loneliness and mistrust. Feelings of ‘I can do it alone ,nobody is for me’ may easily emerge and consequently one rarely have friends. If such a person becomes a missionary, how will he work with the Christians, and how will he live with his brothers or sisters in the community?
Anxiety, nostalgia and psychological insecurity may follow. One may begin blaming all to be against him even if it remains his own misapprehensions. Consequently there may follow consistent unnecessary frustrations and conflicts such that for every community one becomes a monster. I tend to think that it is from these that inferiority complex emerges which may lower self esteem. Fr. Ippolito Marandu, IMC calls these people ‘Black sheep’- those who keep blaming everybody and complain about everything and everybody else except themselves. Partially, it may be because they can never be entrusted with responsibility due to their feeling of belittlement.
As it is known, psychosomatic complications may arise from these cases for example ulcers, high blood pressure and so on. These for sure are consequences of deep anxieties and frustrations unshared. The puzzle is that even at these stages the masks are still strong and one rarely reveals the suffering to begin the process of self-healing. Instead these people may give very ‘happy faces’ to the public while suffering inside.
Having such kind of experience, one may have a confused responsibility in the mission if at all responsible. One Consolata theology student, said that such persons are worse even as formators. This bases from a mere fact that they never discovered in their basic formation who they really were. They have not learnt to confront themselves and likewise may not like critical formees (seminarians in that matter) hence form robots who will be as twice dangerous as they are. If they happen to be pastors, there may be likelihood of conflicts with the Christians and the parish council due to mistrust on the responsibility of others.
Absence of inner peace and serenity in the community where one lives may lead to automatic switch to search for peace and comfort outside. We however should as well point out that this sickness may be defended by pseudo-commitment in prayer, books or workaholism. However, the drugs especially alcohol becomes temporary solution to the inconsistency which gradually translates into a vice. Some may resort to sexual hedonistic tendencies which may only remain hidden or secret for some time. As much as these may be considered as temporary therapy to the frustrations and problems, they are as well cradle of worse sickness and crisis.
Finally, when one decides abruptly to quit religious life or priesthood, the tendency is to assume that the cause is immediate, this is dubitable. I believe that discernment and realization of one’s vocation is a gradual process and vocation is always God’s gift. For this reason, it seems risky to fix that I have to be a priest or a sister at all costs; to be a priest is not as important as to live what it calls for. It is for this narrowness in discernment that heavy masks are worn around the real self that eventually wears out leaving the person a naked island, a statue unknown to himself and consequently lose meaning of, for example, religious life. From this, we may realize that the whole process seems complicated and complex but we have to say, by sharing we learn from others to forge ahead. We should note, however, that sharing does not imply creating a mob in the name of community. Neither does it mean associating with those who support my ideas or whose personalities are proximate to mine.
These negative consequences of lack of good communication among the religious are not at all pleasing to any normal human being. The fact is that a human being above all has essential necessity to communicate both horizontally and vertically. Any curtailing of one of these does injustice to human nature and is for this that freedom of religion and communication ought to be fundamental rights of a human person.
Fergus Garrett, in body, mind and spirit, analyses the famous five levels of communication. Of interest to us is the spirit-spirit level which in our context may be interpreted as the trusting and confident communication with the other.
The next problem is how to create confidence since a forced one doesn’t last. Confidence is the vital impulse of communication in any community, the challenge is creating it. We have to affirm first that confidence needs to be created for the people to begin the journey of sharing and dialogue so as to minimise islands in the community and grow towards religious authenticity.
Creating confidence
In marriage, confidence between the partners is not a one week’s business but a gradual process. In religious life it seems also not contrary, however, we have to affirm that one has to begin creating confidence with himself before reaching out for the others.
We admit that it is not an easy process but some elements may encourage us to cultivate the process.
Self confrontation: my own mind should be trained to avoid conclusions without sound premises, that is, prejudgements. I have to begin by pointing at and asking myself why I think the others are always on the wrong and not me. What makes me conclude that others are always against me and not I against them? These typical questions of interiority may lead us to who we really are, hence learn to trust and appreciate others.
Self acceptance: by knowing whom I really am, I will accept myself in front of others and realize the humanness of all people. Despite the uniqueness of each person, there are fundamental characteristics which define all of us as human beings. The uniqueness is very fundamental in helping us discover and welcome the other hence the dictum, ‘in diversity is our enrichment’.
Re-evaluation of basic principles of religious life: Canons 602, 607 paragraph 2, and 608 define that religious life is based on fraternal life in the community, evangelical counsels, Eucharist and love. (Love as a example of universal reconciliation in Christ). By the fact that I decide to live religious life, these fundamental principles should always motivate my living it. I can not form a community without myself nor without others, the community begins with myself towards the other inspired by the sacraments and the charism. We feel that a good reflection on these may impel one to see himself as necessary component in the building of this body.
Risking: if one fears that openness and sharing to another may be used against him or her, we have to say that it’s necessary to risk. In life some risks are necessary when accompanied by optimism. After all, in so far as I share with another and the other misuses the sharing, the other becomes more responsible. We then have to apply Swahili phrase, papo kwa hapo kamba kakata jiwe, to mean that though we may think that a string can’t break a stone, consistency and gradual process leads to the success.
Conclusion
From our reflection, we may deduce that communication in the community life is of great richness to religious maturity. It is a responsibility of each person to create an environment of sharing, dialogue and communication which will give place to trust and peace in the community; and eventually for authenticity in living religious life. The confident communication is of great advantage to oneself, to the community and to the whole people of God. Therefore it is not enough to know or to be aware of all we have discussed but to become. The challenge is that in the process of becoming, the risks must be acknowledged and surpassed. Let our learning and experience always lead us towards fidelity to God, to our own selves, and to the community where we belong and live.
